Zorn (zorn) wrote,

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Being a big girl

I love RPGs. Really. They consume a lot of my spare-time and I do not regret that.
Sometimes they open my eyes for the obvious.

Today it happened again.

I know I have a problem with accepting help, with giving up control to somebody else. I know that I have to stay in control and that this is not healthy. But although I have learned to accept that I (may ;-)) make mistakes like anybody else, I still get all edgy if someone tries to comfort me.

Or ... I would get all edgy. It does not happened. (Oh no, to be precise: it has not happened for 30some years – but the exception to the rule I will mention later).

I am a big girl. Not only physically. People believe that I am strong and I guess that is what I am.
It happened a long time ago. My father left wife and kids for a woman he met during Karneval (anyone who can guess who loves Karneval very, very much? * Irony mode off *). My mother tried to cut her wrists several times and got into an asylum for almost a year.
I have a "little brother" – and everyone told me: hey, you are 13 years old, take care for him, he is only eleven.
My mother was sick – and everybody told me: hey, you are 13 years old, make it easy for her, do not bother her with your childish problems.

When my mother returned home (after she had learned again how to put herself and her needs first – wish she would have learned to stop again saying "Me first" after a while) daddy's little pearl had turned into a big girl. The slim little girl (all bones and eyes after thick glasses) had become a fat teenager (102 kg) unable to keep hers mouth closes when there was still a sadistic joke to commit.

Neither the person you fall in love with nor the person you want to cuddle.

(Humorous note: After the nice evening at Woyton I can almost hear Laurenia (if she reads that) mumble medical terms – I would like to know if there is a name to that condition :-) )

Most of the times it is perfectly okay the way it is. For me being big mixes with a normally good temper, patience, strength and a love for mankind that go together well. But sometimes ... things are a bit different.
Sometimes I feel so weak and alone. I want somebody to solve my puzzles. I want somebody to take care.

And when I feel like that – I do not know how to make people do so. Even those who would to it if they would only know that big girl me wants to be the little bear.

I cannot tell. If I would tell all the support I would get would mean nothing (well, close to nothing). You have to anticipate on my every wish to comply with my requirements (to use a metaphor: you have to embrace the thornbush and tell him he feels soft).

But today (as getting older sometimes even means getting better on some things) I try to send my S.O.S. via ... Well ... do not know. I do not know how to send my S.O.S..
Or so it seems. To me it is a clear signal what I do, what I say, what I do not do or do not say.

But not to anyone else.

I sometimes wonder if I do something wrong, if I use a different language. Or do I know the wrong people?

I guess it is fairly obvious that a girl telling me, that my migraine-attack does not comes in handy at a time she feels sorry for herself is no benchmark. And I know that depression is an illness. But living with someone like that for many years leaves marks.
What I want to say is that things did not improve after I left home as soon as I finishes school.

Girls around me fell in love had good looking lovers. I stayed on my own most of the time. When there was someone around I was hard to impress. I had to be convinced that someone with a crush on me was not necessarily nuts.

Reading what I just wrote I get the feeling I went astray.

Back to zero.


RPG means playing a role to me. Not being in a strange, more or less fancy fantasy-world but exploring feeling some one with a certain disposition and a certain backgrounds may have.
Even in roleplaying games I most of the time play the active part. Never ever girls.

As a matter of fact I am a game master in 95% of my games. I love having control, did I mention that before ;-)?

I want my games to "suit" the players. The players shall feel good like they want to and do not in RL.
If I cannot achieve that I am very upset (even sad).
It is not for me to feel clever, strong/weak, loved, brave or whatever you like but for the player.

But sometimes there is wonderful elfy who gives me the opportunity to be the player.
She knows I am a bitch. Always whining when something seems to be not logical as I define reason.
My PCs are not there to suit but to explore extremes.
And she is also my test object for hilarious characters.
And sometimes even worse.

I guess is it neither a good idea nor fair if I try to test my ability to cry for help in a game meant to be fun.

But it is depressing to write down needs, wishes, desires (not only giving hints via body language or so) and still being unable to transmit the message.
I guess it is not her fault (she want to make me feel fine – she is the first real exception to the rule I mentioned above – and I NEVER believe that a failure in communication is one participant's fault alone) – and I do not want it to be my fault.
I do not even want to think about faults. I do not believe in fault in generally one can say.
I believe in starting all over. I believe in the options of the future.

I want to know why and I want to know how to change the results.
Not for the RPG (well for that too :-)) but for me and my life. I want to be able to express myself.

So I am sitting here when I should be asleep and type.
I do so because sometimes writing aids thinking.

Not today.
Maybe reading helps tomorrow.
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